


Pure Happiness

by Little_Firestar84



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M, Friends to Lovers, One Shot, Post season 21 episode 10, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:00:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22209802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Firestar84/pseuds/Little_Firestar84
Summary: “You idiot. You wonderful, amazing idiot. It’s you. It’s been you for a very long time. Long before you drunkenly tried to kiss me on my motel’s doorstep.”After her kidnapping at Bucci's hands, Amanda reflects on the circle of unhappiness and broken relationships that seem to run in the women of her family, and what it would take to break the curse, and the answer is easy: love and happiness.A little less easier is actually obtaining what she knows she deserves and needs....
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 8
Kudos: 72





	Pure Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> Tag to season 21, episode 10, taking place between the eleavtor scene that saw Amanda crying into Sonny's arms, and the alst scene, where Carisi told Fin that Amanda was better and had taken a few days off at Olivia's suggetion.  
> Also, there's a line, about Carisi trying to semi-drunkenly kiss Amanda on her motel's doorstep, as recalled in 18.8 "Intent". (I think it was the epsiode where she called him a apin in the ass and told him that, every and now and then, she does sleep with men who are pains in her ass).

She didn’t feel any tired. In her bed, sandwiched between her daughters, all Amanda could think of was that she didn’t want to fall asleep. Couldn’t, actually- the adrenaline rush was still too high, she was still too excited to be there, finally there, in her happy place. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t slept for days- she knew that Bucci wouldn’t have hurt her, but, still, given the situation, the stress he was under, one could never say, could never fully trust their own instincts.

Still, it had helped, in a way. She hadn’t been lying to him. Their chats? They had given her some insights that not even therapy had been able to (who knows, maybe her mum was right when she said that shrinks don’t want you sane because otherwise you’ll stop paying them big money to say everything and nothing at all at the same time).

Sitting underneath the heavy comforter, Amanda sighed with pleasure, unable to look away from her sleeping daughters – the best thing she had ever done, the ones she would do anything for.Her life, she knew, was a collection of bad decisions, and yet, she’d do everything all over again, if it meant getting there, with them, in that precise moment in time. 

Perfection. It was just… perfect. Everything she had ever wanted without even knowing it. 

And yet… yet, there was something else she believed she needed in her life just to make it right, truly and utterly perfect.Something she had always wanted, but was just too scared to get, even when it had been offered to her on a silver plate. 

But now, it was different. Now she knew things she hadn’t understood until two days before. 

She was a good mother, but if she truly wanted to be the _best_ mother possible for her girls, she needed to each them the most important lesson in life: everyone deserves to be happy. Otherwise…. She would have been just like her mum, her kids, her amazing girls, would have ended up just like her or Kim, accepting, instead of love and devotion, just… scraps, crumbs of what they would believe to be the real thing. 

She gripped the comforter with such a strength that her knuckles turned white, and clenched her teeth. No, she wasn’t going to allow her kids to turn up like the women of her family. She was a good mom. She would have shown them the way. 

With a spring in her step and a new lease in life, Amanda stood and marched towards her kitchen; yet, when she was at the doorstep, her legs trembled, and she froze, the breath dying in her throat as she wondered if she was strong enough to do this- take what she wanted, what she needed to be finally, fully, happy. 

As sensing her presence, Carisi turned- he was at the stove, turning a particularly appetizing omelet, with his sleeves rolledup, the collar loosened and the tie gone. He wasn’t wearing nor shoes or socks, he was just…. Barefoot, like he belonged there. And in a matter of speaking, she guessed he did. 

He had always belonged there, ever since he had kept her company at the hospital while she was pregnant with Jesse.

A chocked sound- part hiccup, part cry, part laugh – escaped her throat, and her eyes turned glassy for the second time in just a matter of hours. Without any further encouragement or even asking her, Carisi left immediately what he was doing, the pan and the cutlery falling on the cleaned floor making a mess of grease and egg and beacon, and he just run to her. He engulfed Amanda with his frame, caging her in his embrace, and shushed her, his hands drawing imaginary and soothing circles on her back as he buried his nose in her blonde hair, inhaling her scent offresh baby shampoo, and kissing her hairline, as to remember himself- the both of them- that everything was all right. that she was back. Safe. 

It didn’t help- if nothing else, it seemed that being in his arms was making things even worse; she started sobbing, loudly, her tears staining his pristine shirt. But he didn’t care: if crying was what Amanda needed, so be it. her happiness was much more important than a ruined shirt of the bill of the laundromat.

“I got you, I got you, I got you….” He whispered again and again and again as he held her like for dear life, wishing to never let it go of her.

He loved her. Over two years since the day she had refused him, and yet he still loved her( as the old saying went… more than yesterday, less than tomorrow) and all he wanted to do was to make things better for her, and yet, he didn’t know how.

They stood like that for what appeared eons, so long that he was starting to having cramps in his legs andhis shoulders, and the oily puddle that was supposed to be their dinner had slowly reached his feet, when, as suddenly as she had started crying, Amanda just…. Stopped. And yet, sniffing, she didn’t even try to let it go of him or change position. Carisi was starting to worry, when he suddenly felt…. Something that made him open his eyes wide and made him stiffen, frozen in place: Amanda was embracing him back. And she was actually sighing, content, as she lazily played with the hair at the back of his neck, her lips on his pulse point.

“A…Amanda?” He managed to call her, not sure of what he was supposed to say of what he was supposed to do. He loved her, he wanted her- in a long-term, preferably married kind of relationship. But she had just been kidnapped. And he was quite sure she still had some kind of feelings for Al, who was just _oh so freaking perfect with the girls._

“M-hum?” She mumbled against his skin, making his heart actually _tremble,_ so much so that Carisi suspected it would have jumped straight out of his ribcage. 

“What….are you…..” he swallowed, unable to end the sentence. Scared to. 

As he still looked down at her with eyes as huge as saucers, Amanda chuckled, and went on her tip-toes, leaving a butterfly kiss on his lips- just the quickest touch. 

“I know it’s been a while, but when a woman kisses you, you are kind of supposed to kiss her back.” She chuckled, with a smile on her lips, almost moved to laughter by Carisi’s stunned expression – a mix of wonder, disbelief and pure panic. 

“A…ah.” He just said, unable to from any sentence or just put together two thoughts of complete meaning.

“Uh, uh.” She nodded, smiling, with her lips, with her eyes, with her lines of expressions, radiant and happy as he hadn’t seen her in a very long time. And… in his arms, just where he had wanted her for the longest time. “So? Cat got your tongue, Sonny? I kind of remember you trying to go for it at least once… you sure you don’t want to give it a try or two?”

He stood in silence, looking right before him instead of Amanda- too much of a temptation- and he closed his eyes. He sighed, deeply, as it was actually causing him physical pain. “I… I don’t think I can.” He finally breathed out, his voice but a whisper that broke the heavy cover silence that had befallen upon them. 

Feeling small, ashamed and just plain _stupid,_ she lowered her eyes, unable to stomach the idea of seeing the pity in his gaze, and, with the little strength she was left with, she gently pushed him away, desperate to put as much distance between them as possible, to see him gone from her place and her life, to just get back to the only place where she truly felt and happy and complete – between her amazing girls. 

There. She had done it. She had failed them, losing the only chance to be completely and utterly happy. She had been too late and now, the nice and good guy who had wanted her , he didn’t want her any longer. Maybe screaming at him because he had just abandoned the team hadn’t been the best idea, but she was missing him (and she just didn’t even know how much). Maybe, now that he had a new job, that he was meeting up with new people, he had found someone else. Someone cuter. Younger. Especially, with less baggage than she did (and maybe with whom he could actually have kids that were actually his owns instead of leftovers from idiots and very, very wrong relationships).

“What?  No, no, no…Amanda,  wait .  I just… I don’t mean that I don’t want you or that I can’t. I just… I don’t think…. It’d be a good idea _now_. In this…precise moment. You are… still in shock over what happened, and… I know that Al… that he is still important for you now, so…” He finally confessed, almost panicking, grabbing her for the shoulders and forcing Amanda to just look at him- truly. He was scared that she wouldn’t understand, otherwise. But he needed her to see- and to understand – where he came from and where he wanted to be. He loved her- had been in love with her for years now, and he loved the routine they had made together. Their life. And he couldn’t ruin it- couldn’t lose it- if it meant just one night of comfort.It was just too important for him. He would have rather had nothing that lose it all. 

With teary eyes, she laughed, shaking her head. “You idiot. You wonderful, amazing idiot.” She said between butterfly kisses, tender touches all over his still stunned face. “It’s you. It’s been you for a very long time. Long before you drunkenly tried to kiss me on my motel’s doorstep.”

“But why… I mean, I just…” He swallowed, still too stunned to end the sentence. He was on the verge of crying too- unable to look away from her smiling face, her features radiating pure happiness. 

“Why now?” She asked, and he nodded, biting his lips, unsure of what he wanted to hear. “Because…” 

She sighed, puffed as she put some distance between them. Pacing her apartment, she tiredly run an hand through her blonde mane. “Because I actually _talked_ with Bucci. And… it kind of helped. He said that I had blown him off when he had asked me out without a second thought, and it was right. Only, not really. Because, before asking me out _to dinner,_ we had talked about our kids. And he had listened to me. Kind of… comforted me over my issues as a single parent. He wasn’t perfect, but, he was a nice man. _Is_ a nice man. And I thought I didn’t do nice men. That I don’t deserve nice because I’ve got just too much baggage. Just like my mom. So I thought, that if I want to break the circle and teach my kids that they deserve happiness, I think I should be happy myself first, right? And… there’s only one thing that really makes me happy. _This. Now. Us_.”

The breath caught inCarisi’s throat as he silently said a prayer in his mind ( _Thanks Lord, Savior, Holy Spirit, the Blessed Virgin Mary and all the Saints you are in Heaven)_ , and in an instant he cancelled the distance between them, and without giving Amanda any chance of replying or put on a fight, he cupped her face and descended upon her, and he just about _devoured_ her lips. 

He parted, and yet he was so close that Amanda, still stunned, could still feel his lips upon hers, every breath he took as it was her own. Suddenly, her felt heavy eyelids, and, blushing, as she was suddenly conscious of herself and what they were about to do, she lowered her eyes, but Carisi forced her to lift her chin and meet his gaze. 

“I know it’s been a while, but when a man kisses you, you are kind of supposed to kiss him back.” He mimicked her earlier statement, and he smiled as he talked, cupping her face, his thumbs drawing soothing patterns beneath her eyes, erasing her tears. 

She covered his hands with her owns, and, on top toes, she kissed him- really kissed him, for the first time. Once, twice, so many times that she actually lost count of the number of kisses and the passing of time. She just knew that she felt…so light, carefree, liberated. Happy. 

So much so that she couldn’t help but _crying_.

“No, No, no, don’t cry, don’t cry, I’ve got you, I’ve got you….” He repeated between kisses, and Amanda _laughed,_ knowing that it was it. What she had always wanted and yet never thought she was supposed to get. What she had always wanted for her girls to feel when they’d fall in love- a sense of rightness and belonging. 

“They are happy tears, besides, you are crying too.” She sniffed.

“Am I?” He asked almost in disbelief, stuttering. She nodded, weeping away his tears with a gentle caress of her thumbs and she showed him- and he laughed, and cried, and laughed and he took her in his arms, making her spin in the air as she weighted nothing, like she was a ballerina or an ice dancer as she gasped in surprise and held onto him like for dear life. 

As he was spinning her around, he bumped into a piece of furniture, and they fell, a laughing mess of limbs and clothes and air onto the cold floor. “Ouch. Guess I’m not young enough to do this any longer, uh?” He asked, half-jokingly, and, as she sat in his lap, Amanda run her hands through his short hair, slightly turning grey on his temples, and couldn’t stop looking into Carisi’s eyes.

“So sorry I mad you wait so long…” she whispered with a faraway look, and Carisi wondered who she was talking to – if it was him, of if she was asking herself for forgiveness, for having wasted time and opportunities.

“That’s ok. You are here. Everything’s good now. That’s what matters.”

She nodded, and as the first rays of the morning sunshine filtered through her blinds, she allowed herself to get carried away by his soothing touch and his gentle kisses, lost,. Both of them, in a world of their own- a world of pure happiness. 


End file.
